A letter to Ron Rivera

The year was 2006. Da Superfans were young and untested, with our only Super Bowl fan experience coming in 1986, when Oldsmobiles weren't yet ultra-hip and our mustaches looked less like thickets and more like bad combovers that had drifted south. And I, Lou Mangione, had chosen #59, defensive coordinator Ron "Chico" Rivera as my favorite Bear.

Life was so simple back then. After a one-year love affair with a deserving Charles "Peanut" Tillman, I turned my attention to Rivera, who seemed to meet more of my needs, including the fabulous Superfanized pronunciation of the name "Ron."

Now it's 2007, and I've realized that anyone who calls Rex Grossman a "mental midget" is no friend of mine. Ron Turner and Olin Kreutz took turns blasting Rivera, and now it's Lou's turn.

Ron, you're a disgrace to the Bears organization. But rather than attack your character, I'm just going to point out all the flaws in the simple two word phrase "mental midget."

1) How can Grossman be associated with anything midget-like? Did you perhaps notice the uniform he's wearing? Bears are well-known for being large, and not only that, Rex lives in the City of Big Shoulders. Double ouch.

2) Any reference to "mental" is completely irrelevant. Uh, have you watched any football lately? Pick the correct answer: a football is thrown with a) your arm, b) your brain. Running the ball is done with a) legs, or b) brain. Rushing the passer involves a) running at him with palms outstretched, or b) throwing your brain at him in the hopes of distracting him. (Answers at bottom of page.)

And last time I checked, a bear is not only larger, but routinely scores higher on IQ and lovemaking tests than your average static cling (or whatever the hell a Charger actually is).

3) The words "mental midget" are off-base for another key reason: nobody actually gave you permission to speak in public. Your job is to play Madden '07 and learn what you can about playing defense in the NFL from the true architects -- the programmers at EA Sports.

4) Grossman is a ladies man, and you're not. You're a lowly linebackers coach who couldn't score a date with a single member of Brownies troop #411 at Escondido Elementary School.

5) Shut up.

My new favorite Bear is #23 Devin Hester.

Regards,
Lou
www.DaSuperfans.com

ANSWERS TO QUIZ FROM #2: A, A, A.